Blog has been down for a couple of days..served as a representation on how I was feeling. A week ago today, I had my hopes up with the mere thought that I was saving my relationship. A relationship “we” took care of for 5 years.
A week ago today, I knew I had the chance to save it it since I was the one who made it sink the first place. But also on the same day, I knew it was going downhill as fast as lightning. As if the chances given to me were just given by mistake, taken in hurry, in a blink of an eye.
Yes, it’s over. And I’m here to give my 1 week reflection, to get it off my chest or whatever.
I loved him so much it changed me. The change was not so good, I was totally dependent, selfish, and needy. I thought it was a good thing, but then again I was wrong. I got lost in his persona, I didn’t have my own anymore. I was counting on him to make me happy, I couldn’t get happy on my own. Totally unhealthy. He for the most part, tried to understand me. Tried to help me on my issues and listened to me. But as you guessed, he must have gotten tired. Felt trapped that all his role in my life is just a reassurance and a sponge. Felt controlled since if I didn’t get to have things my way, I would make sure to make his life miserable. Maybe that’s how he felt, but I did not intend for that to happen.
Looking back now, Paul made me such a better person than when he first met me. I know that I also shared some good things in his life and I want him to know how proud I am of his accomplishments.
While I know that it’s never easy that this chapter of my life had to end, I know for a fact that I’m thankful for all the 5 years. I’m taking this as my first step to healing, I’m taking more steps in the days to come. But this Easter, I am taking the leap. I am forgiving myself for causing me pain, and for causing the same to Paul.
I am excited to the see the new chapter that awaits my life. I hope you all will still be there when that new chapter is ready.
Love lots,
Ellie xo
