Fight Your Demons

I planned on talking about this topic months ago.. but I couldn't bring myself to write it. Not until recently, Chester Bennington, Avicii, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain died because of it.
I want to talk about depression and anxiety.


Google's Description


Depression is a mood disorder characterized by low mood, a feeling of sadness, and a general loss of interest in things.


Anxiety comes in many forms—panic attacks, anxiety attacks, phobia, and social anxiety—and the distinction between a disorder and "normal"


I want to start by sharing that I have anxiety. I think we all do. But I have had anxiety attacks which are pretty bad. I can't remember how it started but it surely has to do with me being a worrier.
With the recent events in my life where I had experienced rejection, my anxiety grew stronger - yes, even when things already went back into its proper places and those rejection were replaced with comeback efforts, it still won't go away. My recent episode was just last week wherein all bad things that had happened to me in the past came running through my fuckin' mind.


My mind, with anxiety of course, did not make it any better and made up a whole fuckin' scenario of a much more fucked up story. All this happened with no basis at all. It's just my head messing up with me. For my experience, this is my anxiety. And it is never easy.


On a positive light, I am a very talkative person and I have very talkative friends. I am lucky to be surrounded by a supportive family and an understanding boyfriend who is willing to help me get through this. Thus, it makes the load feel lighter. Actually, with me opening up with how I feel, it makes the load go away. Because remember, there's actually nothing wrong in the first place.
All of these are happening just because of past experiences which your brain cannot delete and yet it multiplies it to create worse stories which are totally upsetting. And if not taken seriously, it will all bottle up and lead to depression. So to say, me sharing all my thoughts and being open to the people I love does help a lot.


Another thing that has helped me is my self therapy. I watch motivational YouTube videos that uplifts me and makes me think of things in a positive perspective. I have also made it a habit to read a quote per day and I send it to the people whom I think would need it, aside from the bible verses I read which are also very helpful. Reading and hearing other people talk about it makes it waaaay easier. Because you know that you are not alone in what you are experiencing.


I also find entertainment in watching sitcoms such as Friends, How I Met Your Mother and watching series like 13 Reasons Why (really helpful as it tackles this sensitive topic), Game of Thrones, Riverdale, Sherlock, The Crown, Stranger Things, Narcos..etc. It shifts my mind whenever dark thoughts come into mind.


My anxiety attacks, if I were to assess, are still pretty normal. So I really am going to help myself get over this and hopefully, not get back ever.
But on top of that, I just really want to help. In US alone, suicide rates has increased by 25% since 1999. And this is something that could have been prevented. If only.. if only.


I am no expert. I am not a doctor or an experienced person in this field. But I have my share of demons and I think it can be fought. With this, if you know someone who is suffering, talk to them. Be there for them and help them.


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
DIAL: 1-800-273-8255
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Two People

“Sometimes, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together.”

Balik Sa Simula

At hindi ka lumayo, nung ako yung sumusuko
At nagbago ang mundo, nung ako’y pinaglaban mo
At tumigil ang mundo, nung ako’y pinili mo
Siya ang panalangin ko

~ when I’m ready to talk about it, I will. For now, I hope everyone’s doing fine and happy.

Painting not mine so credits to the owner.

Song lyrics from Moira dela Torre’s Tagpuan.

Xoxo,

Ellie

Taiwan And The New Me

Okay, so before you continue reading, I just want to let you know that this is going to be a lengthy post. So if you want to stick around, go ahead and read on. I'm happy I get to have the chance to write this post now even with the very busy schedule at work. Reminiscing my recent vacation is something I frequently do lately... so let's put those thoughts into words.


My trip to Taiwan has opened a new chapter in my life. It actually did! From learning independence - as I have traveled solo, up to opening up myself to people even if it means baring my soul to them completely. I actually did not have anything in mind on how I will present this post so I thought I'd just include all the places which I have visited:


Here's me getting ready to go out and about:

When I reached Taiwan, I immediately went out looking for milkteas. Yes! As if I didn't have enough supply at our store. But my friends told me to really try the milk teas there. True enough, I was able to taste the best one! (But of course, it's still NOTHING compared to our Infinitea ;) )

So roaming around Taiwan was actually pretty easy. Their train systems are interconnected which makes it really easy for commuters. I was lucky because I have a friend (Mark) who is currently taking his masters degree at the National Taiwan University, and he helped me around on my first day. Mark has been staying in Taiwan for almost 7 months already and I must say that I am very much impressed on how independent he is! We went around Chang Kai Shek Memorial Hall, Longshan Temple and went food tripping at Shilin Night Market. Mark made me try the stinky tofu which is actually something he cannot stand smelling - but I liked it any way. We tried his favorite fried octopus, cheesy octopus, choco/matcha filled pancakes and ended our food trip with a generous bingsu. The food in Taiwan is actually pretty cheap and with huge servings!

My actual independence started when I went to the provinces of Taiwan. I went to this place called Yehliu, Jiufen and Shifen. My most favorite is Shifen where I was able to fly a lantern and made wishes. Going to these places was no joke! It was really hard. I had to commute through buses and trains just to get from one place to another. And if anything, it just made me realize one thing... I am capable to do anything that I put my sights on. 

I also went to the highest Starbucks in the world where you need a reservation to get in. Luckily, my host got me one so I was really happy!

Mark then took me to his school and toured me around - and he rented me a bicycle! His school is so awesome and huge! This is actually the same school where Meteor Garden shot most of their school/campus scenes.

I then went to a really amazing place like 5 hours from the city. It's in Taichung. I actually know this place since our Milk Tea supplies come from here. However, I did not go and search for milkteas. Instead, I went to this place called Houli Flower Farm:

Oh dear I'm missing Taiwan so much right now. This will always be an unforgettable place for me.

While being on euphoria phase during the entire trip, I know that heading back home is something I dread since I have some unfinished business here as well and I know I had to take care of it if I really wanted peace. Thus, when Paul asked if we could talk, I know I just had to say yes. And you know what? We had the most meaningful talk. Better than the non-sense, talks turning to petty fights back when we were still in a relationship. I know for a fact that we ended that chapter of our lives, but who knows what life may bring right? What is important right now is we get to save whatever is left and enough to start something new - be it a friendship or something else, only time will tell. But we made our peace. He even gave me a beautiful bouquet.

Life is starting again for me and I can't wait to see what the future will bring! What I'm sure of though is that I am stronger and tougher this time around. Say hello to Mara version 2.0 HAHA! :)

No really, say hello to the new me.

xoxo,

Ellie V2.0 <3

Taiwan In A Nutshell

Guys! So I just got back from my vacation and I had such a blast! And as much as I want to blog about it now, I am still so preoccupied with work and other stuff that I might be delayed just a little.
For now, here’s a compilation on how my trip went. I’m missing Taiwan so much right now! :(

Affirmation

It took me 2 weeks.. 2 weeks of grief, numbness, disbelief which eventually turned to hope, acceptance and strength. What you are about to read is me officially closing this book, and writing a new one with lots of excitement and happiness.


At my lowest point, there are 2 things I have realized:
1) You need to love yourself first and everything else falls into line
2) Choose people who choose you


I initially thought, hey it's easier said than done.. but when I actually tried it, it's not that hard. Or maybe because I was just super lucky and loved that the support I had was outrageous!


For the first time in my life, my parents actually gave me love advice! :) It was so funny and direct and I realized how less time I spend with them that I actually don't get to appreciate them on a frequent basis. Plus, they kind of sponsored my upcoming trip which is actually pretty cool.
Mama, Papa.. you guys are the best. I adore you both so much and I love you.


My brother and sisters were also very supportive. My brother, who is soon to be my fitness coach has been very supportive and always reminding me that I could convert the loneliness to fitness.
My sisters and I had a heart to heart talk which led them sharing their own experiences on love. Something that we never did before! Oh loveys, I am so proud and happy to call you my siblings.

 

My co-workers (Chan, Gerson, Jeff, Eric, Arlene, Carmel, Joe and Kier).. thank you for our daily 2-bottles-during-Holy Week trip to Heaven's, our weekly Samgyupsal and for just being there for each other. The bond is surreal. Thank you for letting me see what's good and bad, for keeping me company and for being game all the time. You guys rock! Special mention also to Thet and Irish who have been very supportive especially during the 1st week, the quotes here and there have been so helpful.

My core friends (Gege, Macky, Anthony, Jaja and Winston).. From seeing each other only every 6 months, to our weekly weekend coffee dates, I appreciate the love guys! I appreciate the laughter which made me realize how lucky am I to be a part of your lives. And happy 10 years of friendship to us! Now that's a ship that's hard to sink! :)

To a very special friend, Rudy.. yes, he's our Rudy from back then. Thank you for never leaving.
You've been an inspiration before and you continue to be an inspiration now. You've been a solid source of strength and for that, I cannot thank you enough. And thank you for keeping your promise to always be there..


There are still so many people to thank, so many! But I've already thanked them for it since every person I got to talk to throughout this whole experience is definitely a big help.


I am so happy to say  that I've come out of this experience as a new person. A person who's lovingly chosen to put herself first this time around, to always see her self worth and to never settle just because it's what society is telling you to. If you're currently in a situation where you feel unhappy but you think you just can't let go because you've invested so much, then it's not right. Let it go, and let God handle the rest.
True happiness can only be found if you won't settle for less. Always go for the best ;)


In a few days, I will be flying to Taiwan to start some new adventures. Meet new people and just live life freely and happily as I can. I am so excited to share my adventures with you. I am more inspired to write now, more than ever. I am soo back!


As I have emerged from such situation, I now know how it feels and if ever you need someone to talk to, please feel free to message me. Email me at maramanz11@gmail.com or send me a comment (even anonymously) below. I just want to help as much people as possible. Let's live a happy and positive life that's open for all possibilities. <3

Xoxo,

Ellie

Soul Searching

Okay, as cliché as that might sound, I'm really doing it! I'm gonna have my own version of Julia Roberts' Eat, Pray Love. LOL! Kidding aside, I'm really going out there to see what more this world can offer.


So I was watching How I Met Your Mother earlier and there was this one line wherein protagonist Ted Mosby (Josh Radnor) told his best friend Marshall (Jason Segel) who also recently underwent a breakup, he said -- "There's a version of you without Lily, and it's not this. You can't let Lily steal your identity".


This really stuck with me. And of course being the normal person that I am, I know having undergone this, I'm still not 'that' version of me. And no matter how I want to go there the fastest that I can, I have to admit that I'm having the hardest time.


Thus, going back, the only thing I could think of is through traveling into an unknown place. That's right ladies and gents, I'm going soul searching! :)




I am actually so excited about this one as I have not tried traveling alone before. Not to mention that I will actually live there alone for a week and this is outside of the country! YES! I actually took that step of independence and I am so happy that my family, friends and co-workers support me on this decision.


This is one of the steps towards recovery and I am super excited! I'm just counting down the days and of course I will make sure to update the blog about it. It might not be real time though so if you want real time updates of my "soul searching" then you better follow me on Instagram or Facebook.






IG: @mmmmmmaraaaaaa
Facebook: /elliewonderwall






And if you're wondering where will I be going (GAAAH!!), here's my first clue:

I'm really excited about this! I'm excited to experience new things, meet new people, learn different culture and of course taste all sorts of food this country has to offer!

Guys! Be with me on this journey to the new chapter of my life. :))

Xoxo,

Ellie